Do you have to read your friend’s book?
An Inquiry
The “Biggest” News in Books: “Etiquette” Rules
An article from The Cut entitled “Etiquette Rules for Tipping, Parenting, Friends, and Work” made its rounds loudly across the Internet last week. The concept of the article is sound: to devise new rules of etiquette for the 21st century, to incorporate all the ways in which our social lives have been transformed by smartphones, social media, and a post-Covid lifestyle. The rules are meant to be provocative, so it’s no surprise that they prompted the trifecta of conversation, humor, and outrage that online journalism counts as part of its new rules in this digital age. Some of the more incendiary rules: it’s okay to tell any lie to get out of drinks you’re not enjoying, ghost people after one date, and cancel any plans by 2pm day-of. At times, these rules feel kind of like they are just endorsing the selfish, easy-way-out things people already do.
But we’re going to focus on Rule #1, which, somehow, is about books:
1. You don’t have to read everyone’s book.
Life is finite. We can’t be expected to spend all our time metabolizing content by friends or friends of friends. Still, if you encounter someone who has recently produced something creative and you don’t feel like telling them you haven’t gotten around to engaging with it, say something about how impressive it is that they’ve created something in the first place. “What a feat!” (with a cheerful hand gesture) is always effective. (“What a feat!” also works well if you saw your friend’s show and hated it.) Just don’t overplay your hand and try to get into specifics. But if you do consume their artistic product, send them a nice note. They’ll remember forever.
It has to be said that this is a very media/publishing, New-York centric kind of rule to have in the first place, and it’s the first rule nonetheless (there’s also a rule for how to introduce yourself to a celebrity—another useful, totally normal thing to remember for everyday life). It’s a staff article, so luckily this isn’t attributed to one person, as it feels extremely specific, like someone was handed an acquittance’s book that they didn’t want to read yesterday and is mad about it (ouch). This does however touch on a very real issue that many new writers are surprised by and experience when publishing for the first time. From significant others to parents or siblings—I’ve heard veteran writers pass down stories about how the people closest to them didn’t even read their books. These war stories are recounted to steel younger writers for the fact that not everyone you count as near and dear will give your art the time of day. Working in publishing—books or journalism—this is bound to come up way more than the average person. I’m six years in and I know, personally, two or three dozen people who have written books and many more “friends of friends.” So, if your child, sibling, or good friend writes a book, are you obligated to read it? Obviously, yes, support them or you should at least try.
Although it’s easy to become jaded—especially if you’re in or near the industry—by the sheer number of books coming through the pipeline, it’s important not to let the notion that ‘everyone’s doing it’ mask that plain fact that writing a book is an extremely difficult thing to accomplish. Books are almost always years in the making, and most first-time writers spend countless hours improving their skills and thinking about their first book long before they see a red cent or ounce of recognition for any of their work. If a friend or family member of yours puts that much time into something that is meaningful to them—book, or otherwise—you owe it to them to show up even if you think it’s not going to be “your thing” or you’d rather be doing something else with your time.
A few caveats if you want to follow this more generous book reading etiquette.
1) If you met James Cameron at a dinner party (someone who authored the Cut article probably has) and exchanged a few emails with him, you are not obligated to go sit through three hours of Avatar 2 if you don’t want to. If it’s truly friends of friends, as mentioned above, you get to decide if you want to buy or read the book as you normally would.
2) You shouldn’t feel obligated to read the entire book. This is probably how the article would have phrased the rule if it weren’t written with the purpose of rising to the top of the Internet. You owe your friend the support, but if they wrote an 800-page academic book on the history of 13th century monk winemaking or an experimental epic poem told from the perspective of a sentient AI program, then it’s fine etiquette not to read their book with the same monkish devotion they spent creating it. You can give any book, especially one by a friend, at least a 60 page try—more or less an hour of your time—before putting it down.
3) Either way—buy the book if you can afford it. Would you take your friend out to lunch or pay for a few drinks to celebrate them? No? Then you need to work on that, too. Even if you don’t read the whole thing, put it on your shelf as a proud display of friendship. If you truly can’t afford to do this, you can always take it out of the library: it’s free and it helps the author.
4) And remember: if you don’t live in New York or LA and/or work in media this probably doesn’t matter at all.
Advice From the Inside: Use Your Local Library
Speaking of, most people don’t seem to know that publishers are happy when you check out their books from the library for free. Publishers get paid by the libraries to shelve the book (physically or digitally) and that means authors get a cut of the action every single time you check it out. Moreover, libraries receive funding based on circulation, which means they benefit as well. And that’s even if you don’t read the book, so check out books early and often. Plus, libraries do much more than offer access to books and knowledge for free, they offer all kinds of things that just plainly make society a better place. PSA: go sign up for your local library. To drive this home, here’s a heartwarming Twitter thread on why good librarians are the absolute salt of the earth (thanks, Max!).
Should This Be a Book?: Etiquette Rules
In this reoccurring segment, we ask the question: Should this be a book?
With every popular article or channel or account, the question must be asked. So, should The Cut’s new rules of etiquette be a book…I mean, sure? It’s not the worst idea. It wouldn’t be hard to just add more rules and keep it organized by section. Emily Post has been around for a century; give her a snarky update, why not? But it probably shouldn’t be. The article’s tone and style is built to traffic in the digital world. I doubt these rules are seriously intended for people to actually follow, rather than just serve as discussion pieces and Twitter fodder. And it’s also much more fun in its current form, something that can be scrolled through quickly, picked apart, ridiculed, defended, dissected— why spread a square of butter on too large a piece of bread? I would rather a talented satirist give us a great parody of these rules, which wouldn’t have to be a book, either, for it to be immensely enjoyable.
Back Matter: Links and Other Happenings
The Grammys recap with the most zing (one sentence recap: Beyonce secured the most Grammys in history, but people are mad she hasn’t won best album ever). I love music but the actual awards part of the Grammys are far, far less interesting than the Oscars as an awards show (but they crush the Oscars, and should, when it comes to the live performance element). Maybe stories should be longer than six words. Speaking of more etiquette I disagree with: attend two Super Bowl parties if you want to. Salman Rushdie gives his first interview since he was attacked and hospitalized six months ago. A fascinating essay about translation and thinking about the wider universe of literature outside of your native language.